Menopausal Musings On The Declining Libido


As we explore the declining libido leading into menopause, there can be a sense of urgency from us –  like it needs to be fixed, as though something is terribly wrong with us.

But, if every system in our body is transforming into a new normal with menopause, then it makes sense that our sexuality and pleasure centers will change too, right? What if, what we are experiencing now is part of an upgrade –  physically, mentally and spiritually then perhaps an upgrade around how we experience sex also becomes available to us too?

Perimenopause / menopause can bring a lot of uncomfortable symptoms, asking us to take notice and make improvements. We can either go with the flow and allow change and create change to meet our new, improved 2.0 version of ourselves in peri / menopause, or we can resist the discomfort, and give into the urge to stay comfortable with our current state of being. It is a choice we have, and either choice is valid.

But when we fight our changing bodies, we create more internal battles. More heat, more pain, more distress, that can persist for years.

So, what exactly is the problem with having low libido? 

Because it seems rather obvious, you don’t feel like sex – then don’t. 

Because, if you have sex when you don’t really want to, that’s more fuel to the peri /menopausal fire. Now, we are now going against what the heart desires, which is not to have sex at this time.

So saying no has to be good, right? You have said no to something you don’t want to do, and our hearts like that.
So, then what’s the issue? Ohh I get it, the concern is that your partner is ‘missing out’. I would argue that it isn’t your responsibility to fix that. And anyway, do you know for sure they feel deprived? Or are you assuming that is how they feel? 

The truth is, many of us don’t openly communicate with our partners about our experiences and bodily changes leading into menopause.

Statistics indicate that most of us remain silent.

However, if we can summon the courage to express what we are feeling and experiencing, it can foster a new understanding. It may even provide us with a partner who can accompany us on this journey, offering support during the lows and celebrating the highs.

In Chinese Medicine, there is a very important connection from the heart to the uterus. This is important for conception and pregnancy. There needs to be open communication between these two palaces of energy in terms of both reproduction and connection with self.

Our energy changes from being predominantly in the pelvis in our reproductive years, then shifts upwards, so we become more heart centered.

During this time we can forge stronger connections, with friends, family and especially our partners. But first – we can build a deeper connection with self.

For some women, sex has been something we give to another.

We are brought up from a young age to ensure others (men) are taken care of first. Think back to your first sexual experience, did you go into it expecting pleasure? Did you think it was something you should do, maybe it was an expected part of a relationship.

SO, maybe this upgraded version of ourselves can expect more pleasure.

It is no design fault that our clitoris has an astonishing 8,000 nerve endings. That’s right, it is not a typo – its eight thousand nerve endings. Have we been underutilizing this amazing part of our anatomy for too long?

The function of the clitoris – pleasure, pure pleasure. We don’t need it for reproduction, reproduction does not require pleasure. And the person receiving the pleasure is you, nobody else will experience your felt pleasure from your clitoris.

I know that when your libido has left the building, you think you will never want to enjoy sex (whatever that means for you) again. Our hearts desire many things. And pleasure is one of them. Along with love, intimacy, and also EVERY other emotion available to us as humans.

Pleasure is not selfish or indulgent, it is a fundamental part of humanness. 

If we can tune into the energy of our heart, maybe we can tune into the energy of the sacred area of the pelvis. It is here from which we create life – like fuck! Actual human beings are created here. 

This place deserves loving attention, but first, the pause.

Remember, we are not broken. We are evolving.

Think about a caterpillar’s transformation. There is a time where it seems like nothing is happening from the outside, but inside the cocoon an incredible transformation is taking place.

Our ‘void’ is like a cocoon. We must find the stillness within. The emptiness, boredom, space between. A change from constant busyness and full head-space. Boundaries and consciously choosing how you spend time can allow the natural void to return. Our void creates space for growth and new experiences.

Perhaps our libido never really leaves us, but can morph into something new. 

In finding a new, and deeper connection with self first and foremost, we can become the person we truly want to be. By connecting intimately with self, then we can experience everything our body is. And as you awaken or reawaken this part of you, you might choose to share this part of yourself, and with an open heart, receive pleasure from you, and your partner – perhaps in a way that you have never experienced before. Research has shown that with each decade, women report more happiness than before. 

So here’s to embracing our upgraded selves, to nurturing our bodies, and to celebrating the pleasure and joy that await us in this new chapter of life. 

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Nicola Douglas

I have a background in nursing and graduated from the Perth Academy of Natural Therapies in 2002. I have a passion for woman’s health, particularly fertility and pregnancy.